On Co-Dependency

Here is a basic, and very generalized (but mainstream accepted) definition of co-dependency I found on the internet:

Codependency is a condition that results in a dysfunctional relationship between the codependent and other people. A codependent is addicted to helping someone. They need to be needed. This addiction is sometimes so strong, the codependent will cause the other person to continue to be needy. This behavior is called enabling. The enabler will purposefully overlook someone abusing a child, will call in sick for someone suffering from addiction, will put roadblocks to prevent their child from becoming independent, or even keep a sick family member from getting the treatment that would make them well. These are behaviors common to codependents. A codependent often suffers from a 'Messiah Complex' where he sees problems with everyone and sees himself as the only person who can help.  Here is where I need to work...trying to be 'Mr. Fixit' for everyone...even those who don't feel they need anything fixed.

 

And here is a test I found on the same website, to see if you are co-dependent. My answers are in blue:

 

1.  Do you feel demeaned, hurt or offended when someone you love tells you they don't need your help? Not usually... by sometimes words are intended to hurt. To feel hurt by someone you love, through their use of words in a hurtful way, is not being addicted to needing to be needed by that person, but a result of your being emotionally connected to that person through your relationship with them. It's helps to understand that the person's words are a reflection of their own hurt, however.

2.  In the last year, has anyone resorted to arguing, begging or raising their voice to get you to stop trying to help them? Never...
3.  If you had plenty of money and your child, sibling or parent had an addiction to drinking, spending, gambling or drugs, and they asked you for money to help with their necessary expenses (food, rent, clothes, bills), would you give them the money? No...
4.  When someone shares a life or relationship problem with you, but doesn't ask for help, do you offer help or advice, anyway? No...
5.  When you survey your relationships, do you find yourself surrounded by mostly people who need you? Hmmm... do three small children under the age of seven count? Other than that, no.
6.  Do you ever find yourself making excuses for the needy people in your life? No... I use timeouts and they don't get dessert. ;-)
7.  If someone you love has a substance abuse, emotional, spending or gambling problem, do you avoid confronting them? No...
8.  Do you measure your self-esteem by how much someone depends on you? Never... I measure my self-esteem by my spiritual life and the expression of that spiritual life through my art (and other creations), meaningful relationships with other women and my constant study and pursuit of knowledge.
9.  Do you ever remind people where they would be without you? No, I never do this.

 

"Co-dependency" as it has come to be defined over the last 30 years, and in various ways, essentially refers to a person's over-focus (to their own detriment) on the behaviors and feelings of others. It began with, but is no longer confined to, people involved with practicing alcoholics. The authors, Marguerite Babcock and Christine McKay (in their book, "Challenging Codependency") argue that the label is harmful to women, and what co-dependency really describes is the social, economic and political oppression of women,who are more often than not, the largest demographic to be labeled as co-dependent because women are raised (from little girls to adulthood) to be mediators in all situations, to want to be in relationship with others (and to define themselves through their relationships), and also, to accept blame for male behavior, and then internalize their anger over the injustice as guilt. That's it in a nutshell.

 

 

My ultimate view is that all human beings (both male and female) are inherently interdependent, and even energetically and psychically attuned to one another. "Co-dependence" is all about lack and emptiness, all about the "me" and a focus on getting "my" needs met. It can quickly become narcissism and cuts off any ability to create relational, interdependent and equal relationships. This is part of what is wrong with this country today. Even loving, caring behavior (with any desire for attachment) can be distorted and labelled an "addiction". I don't agree with this premise because I think it's unhealthy for a human being to be so detached after choosing to be in a relationship. If we choose to be in a relationship, we will find ourselves attached at some level, unless you are Buddha, and Buddha still manifested deep compassion, which, he admitted, is still a form of attachment!

 

The fad of co-dependence (and our over-dependence on it as a quick-fix for whatever ails a relationship) is, at root, indicative of a spiritual problem in the American psyche brought about by a mechanistic view of the world, the universe and of human beings (as well as the mechanistic industries of behavioral psychology and allopathic medicine). A return to a more heart-centered social and political worldview would help to heal this, as well as an understanding of human beings as spiritual beings, rather than just walking, human mechanical machines.

 

We are born deeply connected (spiritually and emotionally especially) to other human beings and to the world around us. If we weren't, we wouldn't survive infancy. We will never get away from that dependence, which hopefully matures to inter-dependency. A new paradigm is needed in dealing with family relationship dysfunctions, including alcoholism, and one which takes into account the interconnectedness (and need for attachment) of all human beings. There is a place for the theory of co-dependence and it's mechanism in the lives of those who are aligned with an alcoholic or drug addict, but only as a stepping stone in the long journey to wholeness.